the past week or so has had a disproportionately large number of "meta days" - days which somehow, by their content make me reflect and understand the rest of my life, and give me that nirvanic feeling. not just peace, but singularity. the feeling of knowing where you fit in the universe, and finding yourself in that exact place.
like a few days ago, ralston's blog prompted me to say:
i can't define happiness. the only thing that i know about it is that it finds me only when i'm not looking for it.--kris
and then a few days later, a friend and i were just chatting over a couple of drinks, and he was telling me how thoroughly he was enjoying himself thanks to him getting back to playing the guitar. it seems all his life he used to play because he wanted to be better than the rest, but he's suddenly discovered the joy of just playing for himself - experimenting in his own ways, trying to pick up new songs, and even saving up for a better (but secondhand) guitar.
and somehow, in that moment, something fell into place. i realised where i am. i'm in the exact same place as he is. i've stopped living for the future, or for the people around me. i'm back to embracing the moment, but this time more than ever before. doing things because they please me, and nothing else. loving people because i want to, not because i hope they'll love me back (something which i never thought possible by the way).
i realise that this is not a sustainable state of affairs (for example, i'm now overspending and undersleeping, overeating and underworking - tons of things like that), but still, it's the ultimate high: living for yourself.
oh and did i forget, i've been listening to awesome music too? mostly trance, but a lot of odds and ends too :)