Saturday, May 21, 2016

faith_ful

you know that thing they say, that "men will be men" and suchlike? i think it's either wrong, or if i'm somehow different from all other men in committed relationships, it doesn't apply to me.

that's right, i can't bring myself to look at another woman lustfully again. and the reason is simple.

first of all, nobody is perfect. so yes, she isn't perfect either. there are things i'd like, that she isn't. there are things i want, that she doesn't (or maybe doesn't want to) give. some of those things i know others can give. but that doesn't tempt me.

because, i've had my chances. and nothing ever worked out. and i've made my peace with that, and my conclusion that nothing else will ever work.

human nature is complex. we don't fully understand the underlying correlations. maybe the combination of what i have and what i want is some sort of inherent contradiction that makes it impossible? or maybe what appeals to me is not what i really want? or maybe what i want is not what i need? or what i need is something that i don't realize yet? or maybe *i* am not compatible with what i want (yeah, i'm not as like-able as i initially appear to be, and that's not too like-able to begin with :D).

and so, i've made my peace with the has-been and could-be. they don't appeal to me anymore.

being in love is a full time occupation. if i start focusing my energy somewhere else, i certainly won't have enough left to complete this one relationship that matters the most to me.

and that is why, i vow to be faithful. because anything else would be a waste of my life.

Sunday, May 15, 2016

bridge over troubled waters

I have been riding solo for a while. I spent a weekend camping alone at a beach long ago.

but recent times have been different. I've been sucked into chaos. the turbulence has been overwhelming. the urge to get away from it all has never been this strong.

I sought solitude. or else.

things were reaching breaking point. I was scared by the solutions I was considering.

luckily for me, everything wasn't black and white.

people understood. the ones who mattered, at least.

and so, one weekend, against all odds, headache and protesting bike notwithstanding, I set off.

I was grossly underprepared. water, food, ipod, and little else. but i had to do this, my way.

my way was the highway.

I started walking.

I was surprised by how deficient just one feeble torch and two tired eyes could be.

halfway, I found a resting spot. I didn't really need to rest. but i needed a pause. all the way, I had been considering my alternatives. did I need to do this? the headache is getting worse. the water isn't going to last. have I subconsciously been planning a one way trip?

I stared blankly at the moon above and the lights below. shut out my thoughts.

life is a one way trip.

we return, but we're not the same.

blankly, i resumed walking.

every step seemed easier if I didn't let my mind weigh me down.

and then I reached the top.

breathed a sigh of relief.

there were people there.

said hi to one of them. but he was on his phone and couldn't care less.

I was disappointed.

I wanted to be alone. I wanted company. I had neither.

there was space for everyone. I found my spot, far enough to not be seen, but near enough to hear.

and in that disappointment, I found my space.

I wasn't hungry. I wasn't thirsty. I wasn't sleepy. I was tired.

nature was comforting. the grass and the breeze were familiar territory. I made my bed and tried to sleep.

I couldn't.

the headache worsened. there was music and talking in the distance.

I reminded myself I've slept in worse places.

my eyes shut, hesitantly.

they opened a few hours later.

the moon had set. the stars were out. the voices were distant.

the headache had gone.

the world was beautiful again.

I felt like myself again.

I wanted to run around.

I wanted to go home. I felt ready to go home.

the sky mesmerised me. I reminded myself that I am going home tomorrow. but i couldn't contain my joy. I had to share it.

I called her and told her I love her.

I don't know if it sounded like the almost perfunctory three words we say ever so often. but it wasn't.

I wasn't tired any more.

the voices in the distance reminded me of what I hold dear. they sang songs of love and friendship. and my heart joined the chorus. the stars joined the chorus. the breeze joined the chorus.

I didn't want to sleep any more.

I shifted from a shelter to a vantage.

I wasn't hiding from the world any more.

this rock is harder than the grasssy shelter I thought was my spot.

but I'm on top of the world now.

I am myself again.

Simon and Garfunkel chime in.

"When you're weary
Feeling small
When tears are in your eyes
I will dry them all

I'm on your side

When times get rough
And friends just can't be found
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down

When you're down and out
When you're on the street
When evening falls so hard
I will comfort you
I'll take your part
When darkness comes
And pain is all around

Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down"

Wednesday, May 11, 2016

meta memories

until yesterday, I never noticed that I associate all my favorite songs with rain. I guess I have more than my fair share of happy times associated with rain (treks, rides, birthdays, and more). and rain even goes well with blasting loud music at home.

also, since memories are subjective, it's easy to confuse them, and as I realized yesterday, to even make them up.

I was listening to a song on loop, and it suddenly turned overcast outside, and I thought to myself: this song and rain, perfect! it reminded me of some generic rainy day.

but then I thought to myself: I've only heard this song two weeks ago, so it can't possibly be connected to rain. if anything, it should be associated with sunny weather (it's positively blazing, these days!) and yet, the association with rain has been created, and is probably going to be reinforced in a month.

and so, that's how it is: all my favourite things are associated with rain.

Wednesday, April 06, 2016

floundering

my life was never really lived by the rules, and though organizing and prioritizing has worked well for me whenever i've resorted to it, those occasions have been few and far between, usually marked by desperation. i have always taken pride in my ability to take every day as it comes, without much forethought, and usually, without much afterthought either. things seem to always fall into place, sometimes quite obviously, and at other times by strange quirks of fate.

the last few months have been chaotic. besides some external factors, i've made some choices that i've now gotten so used to, that it's become hard to randomly sift things around. and the result of those choices are that my social and intellectual life has kinda gone for a toss. my blog is pretty much forgotten (not abandoned!). i've stopped reading. and much as i hate it, i'm overly dependent on whatsapp and facebook to keep in touch with the people who matter.

i want to change, but there is only so much room for leverage now. and time is slipping by. the longer i stay in this chaos, the further i get from my previously (relatively) balanced life.

and there are going to be more changes coming up. drastic ones. changes that will literally shake up everything.

if living by the day has brought me here, i wonder if it is no longer as suitable for my life as it was before. but life does not wait for me as i mull, consider and reconsider.

and so, maybe out of desperation, it's time for the biggest philosophical change of my life. i must say, i never imagined this coming.

let's hope this is fun!

Monday, March 14, 2016

church

last night, I slept shivering under the stars, exhausted from the night trek that ended at peb fort. and i had a dream that didn't even seem like a dream until a few hours after we started our return trek.

so in the dream, the lights we saw (outside the dream, on a neighbouring hill which was at a lower height than we were at), were actually part of a church that was visible in the morning. the church was open to the sky, except for the altar end which had a sloped roof, and the other end which was partly in a 40 - 60 foot high cave which looked like it was cut out from the rock face.

the church itself was immaculately maintained, with pews gleaming in the sunlight, plenty of flowers, and pretty, tiled flooring. the people attending were also elaborately dressed. so elaborately, in fact, that their dress would be appropriate for a bride or groom at a wedding.

the church could be entered from a spiral stone stairway cut into the plateau we were camping on, directly above the cave. the stone stairway turned into a metal one once it got through the plateau.

(this is where I stopped typing - i can still visualize the church perfectly, but can't remember the rest of the dream 😳)