Sunday, August 20, 2017
recently, i was having a conversation with someone and i realized that humans also operate in the same two modes. there are the grazers, who look around, worried about threats. they are the people who feel the need to conform to society. they are the people who always consider "what will everyone else think?" before they do something. they guess and second guess the world.
and they live in fear.
on the other hand, the people who behave like hunters do not care. they don't need to conform to society, as long as their target is in sight. they spring forth bravely, maybe not always successfully, but missing the target is not failure for them. the laughter or comments of society do not matter, unless possibly if they're constructive.
the grazers are safe. they have nothing to fear but society and humiliation, which are self-created fears. and they have safety in numbers. on the other hand, hunters have real things to worry about. few hunters would come to the aid of others. and the grazers would probably shy away.
but the hunter does what no grazer can.
and that's why, i feel, that's what we should aspire to be. hunters.
Thursday, August 17, 2017
I turned 34 a couple of days ago. my birthday was super fun, celebrated with friends, family and a bit of debauchery. but when everything settled down and I was alone at home that evening with my wife, things began to settle down. I started thinking back about the year gone by. and after a few minutes of thought, I had to actually read my blog to figure what mental condition I was in a year ago.
yes, things have changed that much.
I guess I wasn't really thinking ahead last year. I wasn't thinking about how marriage would change everything. how spending every single day of my life with this adorable doll of a wife would change everything. how having a cosy home of our own, despite it being mostly filled with stuff hoarded from our single lives, would change everything. i knew that my diversions and hobbies would change, but I had no idea that cooking, cleaning, doing the laundry and dishes, could be so fulfilling. I knew that I'd be riding less, trekking less, reading less... but I had absolutely no idea that I'd end up riding in two countries outside India, both of which not many Indians end up riding to. i had no idea that I'd be so detached from my friends and even my parents, and yet so attached to my wife.
I thought I was a loner. but it turns out my definition of alone has changed to mean alone with her ☺
the amount of changes have been so overwhelming, that when I think back, I can barely remember my single life. my life from last year is almost as much of a blur as when I turned 13, started riding my bicycle to school and started using my first computer.
and the coming year promises to be even crazier. unbelievable.
Wednesday, August 09, 2017
the normal reaction to being "hurt" is, quite simply, to react. but in that case, it no longer remains "hurt". it becomes retaliation. and retaliation inevitably escalates. the end result is that we have a situation where both are to blame.
sadly, trying not to react externally doesn't entirely resolve the issue. internal reactions are natural, and they produce external effects. suppression of internal reactions are not normal or natural.
and so, I'm left wondering, is there any way to respond to externally inflicted hurt, which is both natural and right. I always assumed that the path would be forgiveness, but I have realized that the aggressor learns to take forgiveness for granted, and when forgiveness happens too frequently to be accompanied by forgetting, there remains a residual effect, which negates the expected ideal outcome of forgiveness.
I am beginning to feel that when forgiveness is ineffectual, circumstances demand that I distance myself from the situation until it is complete.
the only question is, how?
Tuesday, August 01, 2017
please don't feel obliged to like/share/comment/whatever. i couldn't care less if you do, lol.
Sunday, June 25, 2017
Wednesday, June 14, 2017
it was a lazy afternoon. we were in this spacious house/apartment, and everyone was taking a nap or lazing around in bed. Clive and I were in the lower half of a king size double bed, the sort made of ancient, heavy wood.
we were watching a movie on his laptop. the movie was titled "wag the dog". the movie was about a struggling musician who inspired another guy to learn to play the guitar. the inspired guy became a famous musician, and one fine day, the guy who inspired him (let's call him *x*) turned up anonymously to watch one of his performances. after the performance, he went up to the now famous musician (let's call him *y*) and reintroduced himself. *y* remembered him and thanked him for the inspiration. *x* was very curious about his unique playing style and asked him to play a solo piece for him. as soon as *y* started playing the role *x* realized that he was only pretending to play the guitar, but was actually using a touch sensitive sensor on the back panel of his iPhone. this agitated *x* and he considered it an affront to his musical legacy. there was a tiff, which ended with *x* smashing the guitar on *y*'s head, to assess from the sound whether it was a real guitar or not. the guitar was real, and the movie ended.
Clive shut his laptop, and I got out of bed and walked to the other room. sunil and a lady were in one bed, shruti was in another, and suraj was in the third bed. they were discussing something when I walked in, and I told them I just watched "wag the dog". they asked me if I liked it, and I told them it was brilliant. they all chimed in with their own appreciation of the movie as well.
shruti suggested we go for a ride. we stepped out and got on the bike. we were riding to CST railway station, which was a straight ride down a highway, which looked more like marine drive than any other highway. only differences were that there was some sort of construction work (metro work?) underway along the median of the highway, and the opposite (i. e northbound) side had a broad, landscaped garden between the road and the sea face.
somewhere on the way, a cyclist darted across the highway from behind a rickshaw, and nearly missed colliding with us. I chided the cyclist, and we resumed our ride. we reached CST railway station.
the road ended at a grassy quadrangle which was bordered by a single lane tar road on all 4 sides. on the right of this road was the railway station and tracks, while on the left, there was the ticket booking counter. straight ahead, was a stone building which had the entrance to the station. I parked the bike, and we stood in line for a platform ticket. there was a guy in front of us in the line, who had a huge backpack on his back. he walked away from the counter, and I was about to buy our platform ticket, when the person at the counter started calling out to him as he had forgotten to collect his ticket. I called out to him as well, and he turned around just then. the person at the counter said that in addition to the platform ticket, he also had a special permit to carry a fossil across the bridge. he handed me the ticket and permit to give to the guy. the permit was a piece of paper, with a t-rex hand drawn in blue ballpoint pen.
I handed him the ticket and permit, and got back to the counter to get my own ticket, only to find that someone else had gotten ahead of me. the person ahead happened to be another friend, Elizabeth, and she was buying a monthly pass for the platform. she nodded at me without saying anything while the person at the counter prepared her pass.
for some reason, I changed my mind about the ticket, and decided to return home. but strangely, I was looking for my folding cycle instead of my motorbike. and I couldn't remember where I had parked it. I thought I had chained it to a tree, but there was no tree in sight.
and that's when I woke up.
Tuesday, June 13, 2017
married life and domestic chores have sadly taken their toll on my travel and riding schedule, and I've actually been city-bound for an unprecedented 7 weeks! I decided that enough is enough, and it's time for a ride and a bit of camping. solo, if it came to that.
and then, two nights ago, I had this dream.
in the dream, I rode to malshej, solo. I reached late in the afternoon, and the lake where I usually camp at had risen significantly due to the recent rains. while my usual spot was above water, the two paths to approach it were submerged. I was inexplicably dogged about camping at my usual spot, despite the risks involved in getting there (and more importantly, getting back out). I attempted to get to the spot by both paths, but had to give up as the water got too deep and I got nervous about missing the path and taking a dive with the bike into the lake. back out of water and on the path (the paved one), I parked my bike and lay on the tarmac for a quick nap. it wasn't sunset yet. I hadn't even pitched my tent.
turns out, I slept so soundly that I awoke the next morning! it hadn't rained, and I was still in the open, my bike next to me. I checked my phone.
it was monday morning. i was supposed to be at work!
next thing I knew (yes, there's a missing segment of my dream), I was in a state transport bus, on the front jumpseat, next to the driver. we were descending malshej ghat. and i suddenly remembered that I had ridden to malshej!
after another missing segment of my dream, I was back home in Mumbai, getting ready for work.
the only weird thing was that, this house was quite different from the one I live in! still, my wife was there, and I started telling her while she was getting ready for work, about how I forgot it's Monday and how I forgot I had gone by bike. I packed my lunch, showered, dressed, and was getting ready to leave (my wife had already left for work by then). that's when my mom in law turned up. I was alone at home, and i couldn't refuse, so I sat her down (yes, for some reason we sat on the floor in the kitchen) and we made small talk. that's when I mentioned that it's 10am, and I'm already late for work and had to go. she didn't believe me though, and said that I'm trying to wriggle out of talking to her.
... and that's when my dream ended and I woke up.
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