another birthday. another half-expected, but still surprising, surprise. the usual suspects and the usual agenda. and yet, something different. it seemed like things have been the same, but it is very obvious that they are not. i'm slowing down. I'm taking it easier. but raising my standards, ever so slightly. sometimes it feels like it's too slight. but I'm happy, and that's what matters. it's hard to pinpoint moments, but i am. i'm finding happiness in new things, and that is encouraging. i'm also getting better at leaving behind what I don't need to carry, but knowing my life, that may just be an illusion. i can leave most things behind, and it's nice and scary at the same time. i sometimes don't realize what i have picked along the way, but my life is rarely about control. and i think i was always good of making do.
and so here I am, looking forward and looking back, when everything seems almost the same. I know that I will never let it be the same, but i have no idea how it will be different. there is no plan, no direction, but some spark. and i hope it will keep going.