the un-optimized life

A comment on a youtube video about watching everything at 3x speed (to keep your mind sharp and optimize the rate of flow of information) reminded me of something I've never blogged - a bit about my past, that very strongly shaped how I lived ever since. 

I'm not feeling like rewording my comment, so here it is, copied from the video:

Interesting thing about speed listening. I'm guessing there haven't been long term studies about this though. I have anecdotal evidence about speed reading as an analogy. I started speeding up my reading from when I was about 6, hitting my maximum at about 9 and sustaining that for many years - I never counted words per minute but it was 4.5 pages per minute of paperback novels. At that speed, I was reading between 2 and 3 books a day, literally running out of stuff to read. I kept that speed going till I was about 19. At that point, I think I got saturated with information (I had literally ready my entire school library, although my uni library was much larger and I didn't bother even trying to cover it). I can speed-read even now (I'm 42) but I find it very exhausting and not worth the effort. I have stopped optimizing the flow of information into my head and now focus on enjoying the journey, even if it's information for information's sake. It seems like youtube/podcasts in general are inefficient sources of information, so a person may not hit saturation point as quickly (or at all?) but given speed-listening to youtube has been with some people since childhood, I wonder if they may eventually reach the same predicament as I have with reading.

Just to add: while the first aspect of my life to be consciously de-optimized was my information diet, it's now spread to pretty much everything else. As recently as 10 years ago, I used to believe in packing every moment of free time I had with "things worth doing".

That's completely changed now. Well before Chronic Fatigue Syndrome took over my life, I had very much stopped optimizing my time. Everything has become about being "in the moment" even if the moment was something mundane. Kinda like climbing the same hill twice a week for 3 years - something I could never even imagine 10 years ago!

I still seek new experiences, and still enjoy change, but I have stopped feeling that pressure now. 

To put it differently, life doesn't feel "too short", life now feels "long enough" - a crazy thing to say when I can literally see weeks and months go by in a blink, just staying afloat - eat, work (not always - CFS has really impacted my ability to get things done!), sleep repeat. And no, I've not run out of things to do. I've simply stopped maintaining a ToDo list. I now do things as I feel like, when I feel like. I don't sweat the missed opportunities, the things I could do. Or even the things I could do better.

I don't know if this will ever change, but I can see this is simply what I learned in my late teens with regards to information and learning, spreading over to the rest of my life.

Anyway, it's 10:45pm. I'm off to bed!

38... sorry, 37

you know you're old when you need to subtract your birth year from the current year to get your age.
-kris, not many years ago

 

you know you're old when you subtract your birth year from the current year to get your age, and get it wrong.
-kris, 15th august 2020

That's right. It happened. Luckily for me, I realized it before I posted my age anywhere... or wrote this blog post.

It's been an interesting year, for sure.

Last year, on my birthday, I had just passed my UK driving test (oh yeah!), and was preparing for my motorcycle test. My parents were over for a 3 month visit. We were doing one vacation every month.

Things seemed to be going rather nicely. Everything was "on track" - I was checking things off my (imaginary) checklist, and so was Shruti.

In the 12 months since then, things have changed.

Work got busier, our vacations changed from hopping on to a flight/train/bus to hopping onto our newly purchased motorcycle (and usually, taking the motorcycle on and off a ferry).

I discovered the joy of running. And for the first time in my life, I was able to run 5K without limping past the finish line with my legs on fire. I was able to run 5K thrice a week, during my lunch breaks, chatting with my running buddies while we ran. I could probably have run 5k every day if I wanted to, but I didn't.

Shruti got her first full time permanent job in the UK. A big relief (and step forward) for the both of us.

We about a month of dealing with living in a house with both of us working from office 5 days a week.

And then, COVID-19 happened.

Beyond the obvious canceled vacations (and postponed visit to see our family back in India), and the expected cabin fever/work from home etc that everyone we know had (/has?) to deal with, we got to experience more time together than we usually would. For the first time since we met each other, we've been within 12 feet of each other almost 24 * 7. We got to watch each other work, share our ups and downs in ways we never imagined we would.

We also realized that if we take away the social aspect of eating/drinking, it stops being fun. And so, we embarked on a health trip of sorts. No significant exercise, but just eating healthy. Eating clean.

I lost 8kg in 4 months (that's over 10% my body weight). I'm now lighter than I was 20 years ago. The last time I weighed this much, I was an acne-riddled teenager, who hadn't had my first shave yet.

And for the first time, this feels sustainable. Almost.

It feels amazing to be able to use my body the way nature intended it to. And while I'm not in perfect shape, it doesn't seem like i'm very far from it (yes, i know, there's no such thing as "perfect" anything, but let's just say I have an idealized image of what I would like to be).

On the other hand, it's also been a bit of an emotional rollercoaster.

I've tried to ride the rollercoaster the best I can, trying to reach for greater heights, and avoiding the murky depths of no return. So far, so good - but there are times when it feels like it's just sheer luck that keeps me from doing things I'd regret.

I have tried to learn from this year. I have tried to learn differently from this year.

I have tried solving problems as a partnership.

I have tried not "fixing" situations, but working cooperatively to find sustainable solutions for everyone involved.

It's hard to say that it's working - things always seem good until they're falling apart. In fact, things seem better than good until everything flips and it's suddenly a complete disaster.

But I'm learning to see things differently. And I'm also learning that it's not enough to see things differently, but to also try to see things alike. And work together towards that ideal.

Also, after maybe 15 years of "make every moment count", and frantic madness of trying to squeeze the most I can into every day of my life (only to despair when the unsustainability of it all comes back to bite me), I've started treating my life as a journey, not a series of destinations.

I once believed (and publicly stated) "life is too short for reruns". I don't believe so any more. Life is not too short for reruns. Life is too short to waste it doing things you don't enjoy.

Life is too short to waste it trying to be happy within the constraints I've assumed I need to live within.

Life is long enough to make every moment count. Even if it's not on the bucket list.

Life is more than a bucket list. Life does not even need a bucket list. Life just needs you to be mindful of what is fulfilling (not necessarily happiness-generating), and what is not.

Oh, and age is not even a number.

the mask that became me

i think it's time to remind myself that everyone lives behind their masks, and the only thing different about this new layer is that it has been externally prompted. maybe it's time to be thankful that i've gotten this far without having to feel this way.

- Kris, almost 4 years ago

i've thought long and hard about why i don't blog like i used to. it's easy to blame things on being busy, but that's not the real reason.

this blog never really was a commentary about the world around me. it was about me.

and there's something that's changed about me that i can't really bring myself to show from under the mask.

we all have our secrets. our dark side, even. and unlike in the movies, we can't just embrace it dramatically in public. we could, but then we'd probably be quickly consumed by our inner demons or something (i don't know. i've been too afraid to see what happens when i let loose).

life seems fragile.

trying to be be the best version of yourself means there's too much at stake: too many chances to do something you'll regret for a long time.

my mind always seeks out the worst case scenario. sometimes, it seems like it's the only way i can keep myself away from the path of quick self destruction.

but that path sometimes seems like slow self destruction.

another rushed morning, another day at work that passed in a blink, another mindless evening that would probably be kept sane if i don't assert myself or think too much, another night of not enough sleep (even if it's sometimes 12 hours).

halfhearted attempts at eating healthy because i've wired myself to guilt-trip every time i do something else, getting to my activity goals because my phone reminds me to.

because: why?

most of what I do is not because I want to do it. i don't even know what I want to do. when I start thinking about it, everything falls apart.

i remember this friend who, over 15 years ago, said he hits the bottle every night he's alone because that's the best way to stop thinking, because when you think too much, everything falls apart.

i thought he was addicted or something. maybe he was. but i now know how he felt.

anyway.

it's not that terrible.

my problems are possibly not that bad. i know plenty others who have it worse.

my problem is that i thought i could see through everyone else's mask without attempting to see beyond mine.

and, so, here i am. at the end of a long winded blog post that lost its point, just like i did. just like (or so it seems to me) humanity did.

boring

doing the same thing over and over again, no matter how well you do it, is bound to get boring eventually. the real fun is in doing things badly, and then getting better!

- kris, one bored saturday afternoon

purpose

our purpose in life is to be what we want to be

- kris, one afternoon, at work

random thoughts

my truest thoughts usually fit in 140 characters. here's a few that i had saved up for later:

on trying to figure how we solve the problem of rape:
"we can't solve one problem without solving the rest. we can, however, takes steps that bring us closer to one or more solutions :)"

on having completed a productive, but sleep-deprived day at work:
"the ability of the human body to gracefully degrade under adverse conditions fascinates me :)"

late night thought:
"not giving up on people, because some people have not given up on me, well beyond when they should have. i'm just spreading the karma."

when someone privately messaged that i should ignore people who diss my oversharing of pictures on facebook:
"haters gonna hate. but when someone tells me my facebook posts help them virtually live a life they'd love to but can't, i know i'm doing it right."

inspired by a discussion about my brother:
"you see, acting macho doesn't build trust at all. for that, you have to appear more real than most people will admit to themselves."

thinking about a muse:
"you didn't make me smile. I made myself smile. all I needed was a person that I could pretend was responsible."

not sure when, or why. but i think it applies nevertheless:
"my life may not seem perfect, but it is so :)"

every evening, when getting home:
"I get a creepy feeling every time I'm getting home from work and pass the electric crematorium. there's always a cloud of bluish smoke."

on learning a group of friends have decided to cut themselves off from me:
"after a few strange experiences, I'm wary of inviting myself into plans, even when everyone involved are friends. better lonely than sour."

one weekday morning, when everyone around was complaining about their jobs:
"to me, work is just like a relationship. 20% compatibility, 80% commitment. but then again, either my work and relationship philosophy is good, or I'm luckier than i imagine myself to be :)"

saint xaviers college

someone posted on my college's facebook page that she's conducting a survey and was looking for one sentence quotes about what they miss the most about st xaviers' college. a lot of things ran through my mind:

the obvious foyer, woods, library, the slightly offbeat "arches", the practically unknown quiet spot behind the chapel, the "foodie" mess, the regular cafeteria. but all that can be just summarized in one word: geography.

then there was the "boring" academic stuff that i probably won't admit - mainly because academics seemed so effortless in college (atleast, in hindsight). but there was a hidden brilliance to that. profs who stayed out of your way if you didn't care, but went the extra mile if you were passionate. some profs who were almost parental, others who treated you like an adult despite some (incredibly!) juvenile behaviour.

but that's not what i missed the most.

"i miss being surrounded by brilliant people, and yet never getting the feeling that someone was 'better' or 'worse'... everyone felt equally accepted, no matter how different"

because that's what changed me.

because when i left college, it just took me a few weeks to realize that what i had, that most others didn't, was confidence. a belief in myself.

and then it took me a couple of years of post-graduation to help me realize beyond doubt that everyone looked up to me, even though in my head, they were harder workers, faster, smarter, more creative, and in general more brilliant. because i wasn't afraid to stand out and show exactly who i am, without caring how it looked. and nobody could teach you that, without you being there.

those were my wings.

xaviers, you gave me wings.

man overboard!

i'm quite an extreme person. i don't like moderation, even though i occasionally strive for it. it's just not how i am.

as the joke goes: "who's this moderation, that people keep telling me to drink with?" :D

anyway, it appears i'm not the only one, or so some tweets suggest:

@Aletheaius: "Wow! Someone just RT'd, favorited and manually RT'd the same tweet!"

yeah, that would be me. i sometimes even un-retweet and retweet the tweet later, so people can see it again. seriously.

@lisa72s: "Some people make you want to respond to everything they say. Then you worry about coming across as a creep. And you hold back."

yeah, that would be me again. except that i usually don't hold back, unless the person expresses irritation. after that, it's usually just a matter of time before i unfollow the person. because it feels unnatural to restrain myself from going overboard when i want to, and i hate feeling unnatural :)

anyway, this weekend, i feel like going overboard on the blog. brace yourselves.

relief

what a relief, to open your eyes, and to see the world exactly as you imagined it!

grow

a lot of people wish for their childhood, wish to go back to their past, when things were "simple" or "different".

whenever i come across a friend in such a frame of mind, i somehow cannot keep silent. i'm always in love with the present, and i feel those who wish for other times, haven't truly realized what they currently have, and what they have gained :)

as i once said:

people who wish for the simplicity of childhood, please remember, those were also the days when your happiness wasn't in your own hands :)

life is a zero sum game. for everything we lose, we gain something else. it is always as perfect as it was, and ever will be :)

that's the problem with going back. the essence of each moment is to prepare yourself for the ones to come. and if that's what you want to do, you're implying you can't see the meaning in your past. and hence, you want to leave a potentially meaningful present, for a definitely meaningless past. it doesn't quite add up for me :)
fine, so you're getting older. you feel time is slipping by. your body and mind can't do what they could before. but that's because they did what they were meant to!

there's nothing wrong with losing control of your body with old age. because you should have gained enough in your mind now, to realize what matters.

as i once said about my (recently-turned-91-years-old) grandma:

she is now too old for irritation, anger, hate, jealousy, and even hunger and sleep. she eats because her body wants to keep going. she sleeps because it feels like it's a perfectly natural thing to do. all that she does voluntarily, is love :)

nuggets of wisdom

i occasionally think up stuff that might be quote-worthy. sadly, i tweet them more often than i blog. decided i'll catch up through my list today. feel free to debate/discuss/differ :)

when arguing, we progressively eliminate points of agreement till only differences remain. hence, a solution will require us to agree to disagree. in other words, arguing never changed anyone's mind.

it's easy to laugh at people in love. it's easy to forget that the feeling was so awesome, that you didn't care if everyone laughed.

conversation is overrated. it is silence that we truly require.

belief and believers

i love getting into debates about religion and the fundamental god-question. i'm more of a pragmatic believer myself, but i choose to focus more on peoples' (and my) thought process and reasoning, than their actual beliefs. here are a few thoughts, based on conversations i've had over the last few weeks (sadly, there are many more such thoughts, but i'm already tired of digging through my archives of faved tweets :D)

you can either believe in something or nothing. nothing you believe in can be proven true to someone who doesn't believe in it.

the root of all theistic debate is that we can prove anything and everything to be wrong, but we can't prove anything right.

believing anything will appear irrational to those with different beliefs. but believing nothing collapses your universe into nothingness. hence, i choose to believe something. and to all of you who believe differently, i appear irrational.

anyway, for the record, i believe in god, and i choose to be irrational about my belief. because i feel i'm incapable of reducing my beliefs to rationality, and i'd rather have a name for my inspiration that makes it seem greater than myself. also, i can see that the concept of god has given rise to the concept of religion and the social structures arising from it. and since these social structures have personally done me good, i choose to acknowledge them, and follow them whenever they appeal to my sense of self-preservation and happiness :)

late-night musings

2:30am, last friday night. i was tossing and turning in bed, in anticipation of an important, and early saturday morning.

as a last-resort cure for insomnia, i tried praying (since prayers usually put me to sleep in under 5 minutes!). and i then turned to twitter. and kinda logged my stream-of-consciousness:

everyone's tweeting to themselves at this hour. The beauty of late-night-twitter :)

I think I should just fish out my half dead earphones and my barely charged ipod and listen to kraftwerk while I try to sleep.

something about the way that tweet looked to me struck me. it's hard to describe how, but the sentence seemed to fall together in a fascinating way to me at that hour. it was just a simple one-line description of my thought, that somehow fascinated me.

sometimes, my words seem so alien. the fact that my thoughts can be put together into something that makes some semblance of sense to you.

are we really communicating? or do my symbols have an entirely different meaning to you? are my sights your sounds? your words, my thoughts?

humans are so good of making sense of nonsense, that you all could be white noise from cosmic radiation.

the brain in the vat doesn't need its computer.

we define everything in terms of ourselves. which why we accept no power greater than the self.

even God is anthromorphised. how does your God look like, to you?

are we intelligent? we create the world around while creating ourselves. we destroy the world around, and realize we've destroyed ourselves.

is our perceived intelligence merely a by-product of defining our universe in terms of ourselves?

my fried andrea (who had probably just woken, in australia) asked me what sparked off the stream of thoughts. my answer:

I don't know. I couldn't sleep, tried praying, then singing, and then the rest of my thoughts are on twitter for you to see :)

scrolled back & found it. I had read my own tweet about taking the ipod out and was struck by the words matching my thoughts :)

alive

if you're fighting to live, it's okay to die.

- @krist0ph3r, one troubled afternoon, on twitter

to elaborate, the price we're ready to pay should be commensurate with the goal of the fight. and that's how it should be. anything else would be unrealistic, or worse, foolish.

choose your evil

The grass is greener on the other side...but that's because the muck is also deeper there :)

- kris, one afternoon, consoling a friend

my excuse

Relationships are complicated. Friendship is simple. I am lazy. Whatever.

-- kris, late on a tuesday afternoon, on twitter.

say what?

Had snip be bad. This tax high y b available tnibd.while coz I game.id ,les I gas r task. Wkaywvec

- kris, on twitter, at 5am, after half a bottle of scotch.

ps: i didn't even know i did this. it would have even slipped by unnoticed if it wasn't for an observant friend. the extreme incoherence is also partly because of the touchscreen and my huge thumbs :D

erase and rewind

i just love my head. there's never a moment when i don't know what i wanna listen to...because there's always something playing inside!

-- kris, one saturday morning, on waking up with meatloaf playing in his head

Happy valentine's day!

nothing to get you to move on like a little nudge when you least expect it.

- krist0ph3r, while reading mail, at 9pm on valentine's day.

Residual awesomeness

your weekend should be so awesome that you enter office smiling on monday morning even if you're slightly sick, and traffic and the unwillingness of rickshaws to go anywhere near your office just made you miss an important meeting.

- krist0ph3r, on a monday morning. smiling.