sometimes i hate hope.
hope is what makes you feel you aren't screwed when you actually are...and then you finally learn you really were screwed after all, and that you'd probably have clawed your way out *atleast a little* if you knew back then how screwed you really were. so now, post-realization, you're feeling a little hopeless and very cheated too. besides feeling screwed, which you should have felt anyway.
last night was a really dark night for me. fine, there was no electricity at home till about 12:30am, but it wasn't really the light. it was because i tossed and turned in bed for three hours *after the electricity came back*, measuring what i had in life other than my hopes. i wasn't surprised to find the answer: very little.
i was tempted to blog my feelings in all their uncut, unblurred intensity while i was still tossing in bed, but decided against it (they were depressing to the point of being borderline suicidal, so yeah :D). i was also tempted to call someone and (almost) cry on the phone, but decided against that too. insomnia messes things up a lil extra, and you don't want your best friend to panic at 2am :)
i woke up today morning with the sun on my face (gotta move the bed damnit!!!) it deluded me that today's gonna be a great day, i'm gonna be early for work, i'm gonna march ahead of my schedules (been planning that for a long time now :P), and that's all i have to do. everything else will take care of itself.
i realised what's really the problem with hope. hope makes you see the rosy picture far away, without reminding you of the thorns on the way there. so when you look down and neatly sidestep the thorns, you don't realise your rosy picture is getting further and further away...cos it never disappears until you lose all hope, and so you don't really realise where you're going.
so there it is. i dunno what to do with hope.
life without it??? i dunno what that would be.
life with it??? it's getting screwier and screwier, and i'm doing nothing about it.
maybe the problem lies somewhere else, but i'm too sleepy to think about that now :(
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
hope and hopelessness
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