the diary of an excited man

it's 6am. the birds are awake, although the sky is barely aglow.

I'm awake too. I shouldn't be. but I know why. 

it's energy. it's adrenaline. right when I don't need it. 

I don't want to think about what I'll do when I need it. 

my hope is, there are enough safety margins. there is no inclination, motivation or reason to take risks. 

I'm taking it easy. this is for fun. 

I need to reinforce my self-belief in what I can do. heaven knows I've been reminded enough of what I can't. 

I don't want to think about if I'm ready... or if carly is ready. 

is everyone around ready? 

maybe there is no such thing as being ready. we are where we are, and we move in the direction we want to go.

the highway awaits. some familiar territory, evolving over the years, yet somehow still the same. and the most exciting part: unfamiliar territory.

on the road and in my head. 

you know what? I'm ready. off we go.

thank you

after 8 months of regular sessions in the "condition management" programme and a little under year of CBT before that, today marks the first day in a very long time I am out in the world without the reminder that a healthcare professional is going to check up on me in a few weeks. while I'm going to keep doing what I have been doing for the past few weeks/months that culminated in me getting off the programme, it has to be said that my social circle is in no small way responsible for my recovery... and I'm grateful for the friends who have helped me get back on my feet. it's ironic that I'm putting this up on my blog when all of the benefits have come from meeting my friends in person... but I feel it must be said anyway. I may not always have the energy to meet my friends, but sometimes even trying is more than half the battle... and knowing I'm being thought of and my company is valued means a lot more than it might seem in dark moments when things don't feel very hopeful. 

I don't know how to end this post, other than say thank you, and hope things keep moving in their current trajectory (ie upwards instead of downwards!).

take care!