Sunday, May 15, 2016

bridge over troubled waters

I have been riding solo for a while. I spent a weekend camping alone at a beach long ago.

but recent times have been different. I've been sucked into chaos. the turbulence has been overwhelming. the urge to get away from it all has never been this strong.

I sought solitude. or else.

things were reaching breaking point. I was scared by the solutions I was considering.

luckily for me, everything wasn't black and white.

people understood. the ones who mattered, at least.

and so, one weekend, against all odds, headache and protesting bike notwithstanding, I set off.

I was grossly underprepared. water, food, ipod, and little else. but i had to do this, my way.

my way was the highway.

I started walking.

I was surprised by how deficient just one feeble torch and two tired eyes could be.

halfway, I found a resting spot. I didn't really need to rest. but i needed a pause. all the way, I had been considering my alternatives. did I need to do this? the headache is getting worse. the water isn't going to last. have I subconsciously been planning a one way trip?

I stared blankly at the moon above and the lights below. shut out my thoughts.

life is a one way trip.

we return, but we're not the same.

blankly, i resumed walking.

every step seemed easier if I didn't let my mind weigh me down.

and then I reached the top.

breathed a sigh of relief.

there were people there.

said hi to one of them. but he was on his phone and couldn't care less.

I was disappointed.

I wanted to be alone. I wanted company. I had neither.

there was space for everyone. I found my spot, far enough to not be seen, but near enough to hear.

and in that disappointment, I found my space.

I wasn't hungry. I wasn't thirsty. I wasn't sleepy. I was tired.

nature was comforting. the grass and the breeze were familiar territory. I made my bed and tried to sleep.

I couldn't.

the headache worsened. there was music and talking in the distance.

I reminded myself I've slept in worse places.

my eyes shut, hesitantly.

they opened a few hours later.

the moon had set. the stars were out. the voices were distant.

the headache had gone.

the world was beautiful again.

I felt like myself again.

I wanted to run around.

I wanted to go home. I felt ready to go home.

the sky mesmerised me. I reminded myself that I am going home tomorrow. but i couldn't contain my joy. I had to share it.

I called her and told her I love her.

I don't know if it sounded like the almost perfunctory three words we say ever so often. but it wasn't.

I wasn't tired any more.

the voices in the distance reminded me of what I hold dear. they sang songs of love and friendship. and my heart joined the chorus. the stars joined the chorus. the breeze joined the chorus.

I didn't want to sleep any more.

I shifted from a shelter to a vantage.

I wasn't hiding from the world any more.

this rock is harder than the grasssy shelter I thought was my spot.

but I'm on top of the world now.

I am myself again.

Simon and Garfunkel chime in.

"When you're weary
Feeling small
When tears are in your eyes
I will dry them all

I'm on your side

When times get rough
And friends just can't be found
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down

When you're down and out
When you're on the street
When evening falls so hard
I will comfort you
I'll take your part
When darkness comes
And pain is all around

Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down"

1 comment:

Frooti said...

Solitude is finding yourself

34

I turned 34 a couple of days ago. my birthday was super fun, celebrated with friends, family and a bit of debauchery. but when everything se...