Sunday, January 31, 2016

changes

i deleted my last post, for reasons i'll not get into here. let's just say that certain relationships have apparently asserted themselves to be more important that my freedom of expression. and while some friends have called me everything from pussy-whipped to spineless, others have simply reminded me that they still look to my writing for inspiration.

it's weird. on one hand, my knee-jerk reaction was to shut my blog (yes, that "suicide-note" post is still in my drafts), and on the other hand, people are already judging me for bending my principles. and i'm left wondering if i'll continue to inspire others if i can't be true to myself.

the decision is a difficult one, but i've decided to continue.

and so, my blog has changed.

it's no longer the unfiltered me.

i guess i'm a little spineless after all. i'd rather compromise than give up.

and i'm beginning to make my peace with this decision. and i'm beginning to wonder what else will have to change.

i'm beginning to wonder if, maybe, just like i can be true to myself without profanity (yeah, my blog language has gotten a lot more kindergarten-friendly over the years), i can also be true to myself while keeping certain thoughts off the blog. i realize that i didn't feel any emotional turmoil with my decision to keep ill-feelings towards people off the blog, even when i was seething (or even worse, on the verge of a breakdown) due to those feelings.

i'm beginning to wonder if the filtered me *is* me.

i'm wondering if it's time to admit i've lived behind a mask, and probably always will, because it always felt like the world was not ready to accept me the way i am.

i think it's time to remind myself that everyone lives behind their masks, and the only thing different about this new layer is that it has been externally prompted. maybe it's time to be thankful that i've gotten this far without having to feel this way.

i wonder if it's lucky that i've had so much freedom that i can feel the slightest bit of it being given up.

when i look back, i see that i haven't really changed at all.

4 comments:

Pallav said...

Kris, man, i don't know what the last post was about. I didn't read it, and if it was something negative, then maybe you were just having a bad day.

Look, man, no shit, and I am saying this completely truthfully that you're one of the last and only genuine people i know online. I've always thought of you as a person who is exactly same online and in real life. There are no masks to you, just the world is not kind to people who have a kind soul.

You're a brilliant dude, and you'll always remain so.

I don't know what kind of changes these are, this post seems mostly personal and we've not talked in ages, but man, you dig your heels in and fight the fight.

you're a wonderful person and there are times when I wish I could be as transparent as you, but i am an asshole, and i know i am not going to change.

If you wanna chat any time, you know where to get in touch with me :D or come to delhi some time, we can hang out.

take care!

Kristopher Noronha said...

yeah man, i think we have that connection because we met when the online me was the unfiltered me. maybe our friendship is another reason for me to dig in and hold firm, because it's worth it.

thanks man.

~j~ said...

I read your blog after ages, and this one is a real eye-opener. *hugs* and you can always call me if you need to speak with someone!

Kristopher Noronha said...

haha, thanks!

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