Number one on that list is myself. My own body and mind.
It's not like I don't enjoy fixing myself (although I must say that as the years go by, I have come to terms with accepting that I do need increasing levels of assistance and professional opinions when it comes to fixing myself), but that when the list of things (subsystems?) that are not functioning to expectation become overwhelming, life just feels like one series of setbacks.
I look around me and I see things that I am struggling to take care of because I cannot take care of myself. I know what is supposed to fix me (theoretically, of course - nothing to do with human beings can be guaranteed!) but it's not just a matter of knowing, or even doing, but doing in a way that makes sense.
Case in point: sleep. My sleep troubles (and, case in point, I didn't regard them as troubles until quite recently) were from as long ago as my late teens, and it was only 2 weeks ago that I was able to experimentally prove that they were the cause of a host of other problems!
And yet, here I am, blogging at 1:59 am when I definitely am supposed to be asleep.
Was it because I woke up too late? Was it because of my cup of tea at 10pm? Was it because of my late dinner at 11pm? Was it a combination of all of these + my overall predilection for staying up late and doing increasingly unproductive things, at the cost of productive things that could be better done in the day, because I have less autonomy over what I can and cannot do during the day? It's hard to say. But here I am.
1 comment:
Welcome to this stage, my friend. And I don’t mean that with unkindness. It’s because I’ve been here and now in hindsight, realise it was (and is) a gift. It’s a far deeper realisation than ‘I need help’. In my case it made me reframe what I thought of as optional, normal or a problem. It made me have to accept (and this was hard) that I’m not an island, that I’m not less for needing and seeking help and support. It made me think about what support really means and how it differs from dependence. And finally, it’s a time to start slowing down and actually savouring the moments of life (a good night’s sleep, a satisfactory meal, a book or movie that makes you feel better and relationships). It’s pausing to acknowledge that these need effort & maintenance and that you’ve been doing that. It does get better.
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