the sculptor

yesterday, in church, the priest happened to narrate a story that reminded me of grandma.

there was a sculptor, who was working on a bronze statue. he toiled at it, day and night, and even when it looked like the sculpture was ready, he continued to polish and apply finishing touches to it. a curious passerby once asked: your sculpture looks complete, how much longer do you plan to work on it for?

the sculptor replied: I will work until my sculpture is taken from me

I remembered grandma. weeks ago, we thought she was on her deathbed. she has stopped opening her eyes, she has long since lost her sense of hearing. she just lies in bed all day, with her laboured breathing and occasional restless movement of her head and hands to remind us that she is still there. she even stopped swallowing food and drinking water for some time, but has resumed again.

she is like that sculptor.

she will not give up until her life is taken away.

such is the human spirit. to fight until the final breath. to never give up even when the end is in sight.

I visited grandma recently, again. I held her shriveled hands and stroked her sunken face. her fingers twitched and she struggled to open her eyes. I visited her to make my peace with what I thought was the end. but watching her struggle, I realized that it wasn't the end. what seems like a few days or months to us, must feel very different to her. just like the last 100 steps to everest seems like any other 100 steps to anyone else, but not to the mountaineer making her approach to the summit, drawing on every last ounce of strength.

I have honestly always believed that every moment prepares myself for the rest, but I found it hard to apply that philosophy to situations like these. I realize now, that such moments are what call for the greatest strength.

I have tears in my eyes as I think about what grandma's frail body is going through. but I remind myself that grandma's mind is not frail. she is strong, stronger than even most of us living in the prime of our youth.

and I will never tell myself that it's over. not until the last breath, when her battle is won.

when her sculpture is taken away.

getting married 101: *how* do you get married?

for the average human, getting married probably ranks near the top of the list when it comes to life-changing decisions, maybe only second to having a kid. luckily for us, we had enough time to think, figure things out, and plan. but then again, you (hopefully) only get married once, and you obviously want it to be perfect, and there's a lifetime of expectations built by relatives, friends, and even colleagues... a perfect recipe for craziness!

and so, for the benefit of everyone, here's a quick guide to getting married. it's obviously incomplete, since we aren't exactly there yet, but we're close enough now :D

here's how you go about getting married (our list, so far):

1. get yourself a partner
2. make sure it's gonna last forever
3. propose! do it however you want, it doesn't have to be crazy, but it has to be you. take plenty of photos, cos you don't want to forget this moment anytime soon ;)
4. fix the date - it's hard to fix everything else without a date, at least an approximate one!
5. broach the subject with each others' families, if you haven't done it yet - makes life a lot easier.
6. tell your friends - nothing like excited, enthusiastic friends to motivate you to get your act together!
7. budget - atleast an approximate one. don't overspend, your life after the big day is probably not going to be much fun if you're broke!
8. make a to-do list. start off with the list of someone else who recently got married, and preferable in a similar style and budget as you're planning to.
9. fix the venue. all up to you, but keep in mind the budget, your convenience and the convenience of your guests. destination weddings are beautiful and awesome, but they don't come cheap (unless your family lives at the destination :D) and can be a pain to coordinate unless you have a wedding planner at the destination.
10. get an approximate guest count. you're bound to miss out people on the first count, so don't bother getting it accurate. a ballpark will do.
11. fix the exact date, and if it's gonna be a huge affair, the number of days.
12. book the venue. a ground/hall/whatever have you. make sure it can accommodate your guests comfortably. work out a deal for photographer(s), catering, decor, and if it's a destination wedding, stay and transport.
13. send out a "save the date" (optional) - important if you have people traveling from far away, or it's a destination wedding.
14. book your leave at your workplace. factor in your honeymoon, and a few days off before the wedding.
15. plan/book your honeymoon
16. inform your entourage, let them know if they will be helping out with any of the planning, preparation, etc
17. start getting your card, electronic invitations, and website (optional) designed
18. start shopping for outfits, accessories, entourage outfits, etc. if you're getting them tailor-made, get your design etc fixed, but get the size finalized no more than two months before the wedding.
19. start figuring your stay after marriage. setting up can take a while, and you want your new place to be ready to move in right after the big day!
20. send your invites out
21. start checking the rest of your to-do! don't underestimate the small things.

the bachelor "trip"

months ago, right after I declared I would be getting married in December, my best friends decided a bachelor trip was called for. and it had to live up to my reputation for crazy travel. places and dates were thrown around, and it was collectively decided we had to go to Thailand. I guess it was not so much actual research and thought as much as it was the stereotype promoted by the movie "the hangover" (a cult movie for most groups of guys, I'm sure, as much as it was for us).

and so, Thailand it was. a top secret whatsapp group was formed, invites were sent, and I was only temporarily added so that the venue and dates could be confirmed, and quickly removed again.

while I busied myself with getting ready to get married, my friends did a great job of figuring what exactly we had to do to have the craziest bachelor trip ever, getting the itinerary and bookings sorted, etc. - all without my explicit knowledge. it was only when most of the planning was done, I was informed. and honestly, I didn't quite care about the details. all I knew was that the friends who decided to make it were really special to me, and this was probably (realistically) the last opportunity I would have to really bond with them on a trip like this.

there were some setbacks, like a few close friends who I was looking forward to being with, canceling at the last minute, and me finding myself flat broke a few weeks before the trip. my parents were either not informed or conveniently forgot, and threw half a tantrum when I reminded them. shruti was as understanding as I could humanly expect her to be (a lot more, in fact!), but I know it was difficult for her to trust me. and there were some friends (yes, mayur, I'm talking about you) whose repeated, if light hearted, jokes about "bang bang" and "pee pee massage" were a constant reminder to her about what could happen. I made promises, but we both knew that promises could be broken.

and then, of course, there was my life. when we started planning, I hadn't even started preparing for my wedding (in fact, the wedding dates were changed even after we had already started the trip planning!) as I got into wedding preparations, things started getting crazy. I was literally struggling against an ever growing to-do list that was refusing to get stuff checked off. things felt like they were getting out of control.

a month before the trip, I actually half considered calling it off. I guess it was less out of respect for what my friends had all done to plan it for me (and obviously, there was a significant amount of money at stake) and more out of the realization that I really needed this, that I dismissed all thoughts of canceling.

the days before the trip were harrowing, to say the least. I was literally struggling to stay afloat and productive at work. I was sleep deprived, overworked, frustrated and broke.

but then things started improving. I got a lot checked off my todo in a week. things improved at work. shruti was more supportive than usual, and I got my paycheck.

I slept just two hours, the night before we left. I started packing at what was my usual bedtime. I headed to office sleep deprived and unenthusiastic. my office colleagues were probably more excited than I was. I was planning to do some overtime and leave in time for my flight, but my colleagues would hear nothing of it. and so, pre-drinking plans were made, shruti was called to see us off, and the fun started well before we even took off.

what happened in Thailand was half a blur (also, a bachelor trip without a secrecy pact isn't really a bachelor trip, is it?), and so I'm going to skip the details... but now, on the flight back home, nursing my 3rd gin and tonic, I think I can talk about what I got from the trip.

for starters, you can have real friends, even if you barely meet them twice a year, and have never traveled with them ever before. friends are the same people, no matter where you go. the level of comfort used to surprise me, but I kinda take it for granted now.

also, you can have a good (nay, amazing!) time on a vacation even if your objectives are different.

I have finally accepted that I do have a taste for luxury, even though I have scorned it all my life. opulence can actually be enjoyable. it's possible to travel without converting every transaction to my own currency, and subtracting it from my ever-diminishing bank balance.

and last, but not the least, I am now ready to get married.

travel is a good way to assess similarities and differences, and after traveling with shruti earlier, and now with the guys, I can now say that I fully appreciate how much shruti "completes" me.

I hate to admit it, but I think I have to: I am ready to go back home to her. after 5 days of luxury service apartments, private bungalows and opulent hotels, I crave my simple life. the life that I have been so carefully setting up for myself. the life that actually seems awesome now. when the plane started taxiing in Mumbai, 5 days ago, I was relieved to let go of my life back home. but now that we're a little over an hour from touchdown, my enthusiasm for the future beats any remorse of the trip being over.

married life will probably be difficult, but it definitely will be awesome.

cheers!

rethink

(guest post by shruti)

Some recent developments have made me think deeper about how we humans spend our lives in pursuit of things we think will make us happy. 

My aunt, closest of the seven siblings to my mom, was detected with a deadly disorder. I'll call it disorder because it has led to complete disorder and disarray of life for people around her and for her body within. It is eating her up slowly and crept up sneaking from somewhere in the dark without any warning. I'll be getting married in two months. So between office, wedding preps and arranging our new haven I also spend time with my aunt at the hospital. Here I am excited to step forward towards my new journey and here is a close kin of mine fighting to maintain her status quo.

I never knew such news could deeply affect me or move me but when anyone who hears about her case says chances are subnormal I cannot hold back a flood of melancholic emotions run by my mind. You realise the futility of pursuit in life. Pursuit of material pleasures, pursuit of success, even pursuit of happiness. Everything is so overrated. Life is overrated. No matter what you do, nature will always have the last laugh. God would be laughing at our plans, smiling at our naivety. I love making plans, thinking constantly of the future. But today I realised the futility of this micromanagement of my life. One abrupt turn can change the course of my life.

Today, I also realised the importance of communication. One of the reasons for me writing this post. Communicating your feelings to the people around you. Letting them know that you love them. Communicating the pain you feel for them. Crying alone for someone won't help them ease their pain but crying with them will. Life is but a fleeting moment. And it is true that nothing lasts forever.

Let your loved ones know that you love them. Hug them, praise them and make them smile everyday. Also make some changes in your own homes. Make it warm, livable and de-clutter.

security #fail

warning: long post ahead. summary at the end.

recently, I received a call from HDFC bank, from someone who claimed to be my "personal banker". I was wondering why, because I used to have a personal banker long ago, but he suddenly disappeared off the scene, and I honestly didn't miss him one bit, because there's nothing I need a personal banker for.

in fact, that guy prompted me to once tweet that "a personal banker is a salesman you're forced (or was it obliged? I don't remember) to be nice to 😁"

so this well spoken lady claiming to be my personal banker introduced herself and asked me to save her number and whatnot. and then she said that she could see I was eligible for a credit limit enhancement on my credit card. I have no idea why anyone would offer me that, as I don't even use that card. but apparently your credit limit contributes to your credit score, and it's always good to have a good credit score. or maybe I was simply in a good mood and wasn't too occupied with work that day. either way, I agreed. she said that I would receive a OTP on my mobile, which I would have to key into the IVR. sounded legit.

the IVR switched on, it asked me to enter my card number. when done, it asked me to enter my OTP. since the OTP was on my phone, and I was on the call, it took a few seconds to switch apps and read the number, memorize it, switch back and dial it. and HDFC somehow expected me to be super quick, so the IVR exited before I could dial it in. the lady was back on the line. she said I took too long, so I would have to try again. she launched the IVR again. I entered my card number. it then asked me to enter my OTP. and then I heard my "personal banker"'s voice, asking me to hurry.

WHAT?!!

I was too shocked to respond.

she was on the line with the IVR, had already heard my card number, and was about to hear my OTP!

I was literally shell shocked. I thought I was this close to being scammed. if she hadn't spoken, I'd have been a goner (metaphorically speaking).

the IVR exited, I regained my composure, and asked her why she was on the line. I told her that I was extremely uncomfortable with this and did not want to go ahead with it. she was polite, but it was clear that she didn't understand my concern. I tried explaining as well, but she was like "I can only hear beeps, not the actual number"

she obviously didn't know how tone dialing (or indeed, IVR systems) work.

I gave up and made an excuse and hung up.

I didn't really need the limit upgrade, but she had set my mind working. is there any way to verify that this is or is not some sort of scam? I thought hard, and the only thing I could come up with was the HDFC official call center. so I dialed in, and of course I had to enter my authentication details on the IVR, something I have done scores of times before, but which got me thinking this time. anyway, I guess the number listed on my card and the website had to be trusted, I hoped.

I finally got someone on the line. I asked her if I was eligible for a credit limit upgrade. she affirmed. I asked her to confirm my current and new limit. it matched what I was told earlier. she told me I would be sent an OTP and would then be put on the IVR. so far, the story matched. I had just one last point to confirm. I asked her if she would be on the line while I entered my details.

she said she would.

this time, I didn't bother arguing. I had called HDFC on their listed number, so unless an extremely well engineered scam was in place, I should be safe.

the transaction went through, I got a message from HDFC confirming that my request was accepted to etc.

I called my "personal banker" to let her know that I had done the upgrade by calling phone banking, as I was not comfortable entering my OTP on an inbound call. she still didn't understand, but I didn't care.

I haven't heard from her ever since. but I did get a call the other day from a guy who also claimed to be my personal banker. I told him I already have one, and he insisted that he was my real personal banker from the head office, while the other person must have called from some branch.

I'm pretty sure he's not from the head office, because he wants to meet me in person now. I'm just bracing myself for more insecure bullshit and another attempt to sell me something I don't need.

anyway, TL;DR:

do not enter personal details on IVR. especially on an inbound call. if it's an inbound call, selling you something you want, find a way to get to the same offer from an outbound call to a verified number. do all due diligence to verify the outbound number. and never accept an outbound number that's given to you by the caller. they are bound to make excuses to avoid this, but be firm.

do not assume any IVR is secure. those "beeps" are the keys of your keypad being transmitted across. anyone listening will know what you have entered. so be wary.

and whenever you come across a bank legitimately forcing or inducing you to do these things, give them feedback that this is not acceptable.

(ps: have you come across any other such suspicious things? let me know in the comments, I'll be happy to vet and write up about them!)

use your illusion

yesterday, i was having a conversation with a friend, and she was talking about how she feels bound by the illusion that society judges her for everything. and then conversation turned towards how we generally are bound by illusions.

the conversation ended (or rather, we got distracted by other more important things, and just left it hanging there).

but i was left thinking about my illusions. i tried peeling away the illusions layered on my reality.

and then suddenly, there was a flash.

i saw life, without illusion.

i didn't see anything.

if i had to describe it, i would describe what i "sensed" as a flash of pure energy. i felt transcendent.

but then, as soon as i sensed it, i started layering my illusions over it. the energy turned into a flash of light. a flash that quickly glowed and then faded. the light was white. the light had some physical size. it had a physical location. although i don't recall the moment or the process of separation, the light was no longer me. as the light faded, in that fraction of a moment, the illusion that i call my reality started superimposing itself on what i sensed. it was a strange hallucinogenic vision, that just hinted at its presence and faded into what my eyes told me i saw, before leaving me completely.

i turned to google and searched "can a single photon be detected" for some random reason. i don't remember what was the answer google gave me.

i tried to zone back into that moment. i thought it would be quite easy. but i didn't quite get there.

i saw the white light. but now there were weirder illusions superimposed. the light looked more like an ellipsoidal opaque white glow hanging over the road next to JVLR flyover, of all places. but the light was distinct from me. it wasn't me at all. i was simply an observer.

everything just seemed so random and meaningless.

somewhere in the back of my mind, i made a note to myself: these are my illusions. and i have just proven to myself that i need my illusions, because what i saw without illusion was some sort of abstract thing. if it was me, it was a sort of me that didn't feel like i existed. and suddenly, it felt like i was not ready for the transcendence.

a few hours later, it so happened that another friend was talking about him standing by his convictions instead of illusions. i described my vision, and my observation that i seem to be bound to my illusions. his reply got me thinking:

"that abstract and non linear outburst of energy is called self realization. The key is whether you are able to sustain to that feeling!"

and he's right. but i'm not ready to sustain that feeling, because i still have no idea what to do with it. maybe someday...

alice in wonderland

(guest post by shruti)

Planning and dreaming about our wedding and the life after it, i can't help thinking about how marriage changes life. Although I am not married yet, I am sensing the future in store for me already. With each passing day, I can absorb the vibes of marriage around me. Increasing number of responsibilities, responsibility for marriage preparations - wedding cards, make up artists, DJ etc. Responsibility with money. I have to get used to the feeling that I can no more splurge on self and that I have to contribute towards home expenses. I have to see to it that the spices and grains and other food items are well stocked and that we do not run out of food when guests arrive. I will be the lady of the house and have to be a good host - friendly, soft spoken, charming and warm. I will have to budget my expenses and most importantly stick to my budget and allocation to each expense. I can no more bank on my parents' free hospitality that I so enjoyed for almost 32 years.

I have suddenly realized that FREEDOM (one thing I desperately wished for so many years) comes at a huge price. This price is being RESPONSIBLE. Responsible for your actions, words and choices. I have realized that every choice I make is setting stone in the path to my future. I am no more protected or cocooned.

Luckily for me, I have found a partner who unlike me doesn't shy away from his responsibilities. He is ready to take on the world with whatever it has to offer. Maturity helps you see. I think I was just a small kid at heart who refused to shun that garb under childish behaviour and is now forced to take on the mantle of multiple roles and enter the world of adulthood. Alice in Wonderland has grown up!