dad visits me daily

it's been a weird week or so - I wake up practically every morning having had dreams of dad. the first few got me quite emotional - in fact there was a weird one where I woke up in tears and it sounded like Shruti was crying as well! I asked her if she was dreaming of her mom, and if she was OK but it seems she wasn't crying at all.

I think it's now become a self-reinforcing cycle. every time I wake up, I spend some time thinking about my dreams, and that might reinforce my tendency to dream about dad the next night?

either way, I'm not complaining. it's weird: I spent a while thinking that while I remember dad quite often as I'm going about my life (especially taking apart and re-assembling electronics, and experimenting with food!) thinking about him doesn't really get me that emotional any more. in fact I think I've reached that phase with everyone who's passed away... but I have to now add the caveat that I only am this way when fully awake. when dreaming, it's quite different. dad wasn't quite the emotional sort in the sense of talking about feelings and emotions, but he definitely knew how to make me feel loved. I'm glad that Shruti does the same, and maybe that's why I don't feel like I miss him with that "empty inside" feeling I had for a while after he passed away.

still, one weird thing in all my dreams is that at some point I do realize he has actually passed away and the thought comes to my mind "can I talk to dad about his own death?" and weirdly enough, in my dreams, I do kinda mention it, but he never talks about it. in a couple of dreams he actually said things like "that happened while I was away" or "I wasn't here when that happened".

today's dream was quite different from the past few though. it was about me and mom going to church for his one year anniversary mass. kevin was already seated, as was most of the rest of our family. it might have been a re-enactment of what I thought his funeral would have been like, as I was unable to attend it in person. I was very emotional in the dream, and even more so when I realized that while it looked and felt like a funeral, the coffin wasn't there and it was actually a year later! the most striking part of that dream was the family gathering around me and me replaying all of the last few days' dreams in my head, telling them that he's coming back, while simultaneously remembering that he isn't - remembering that I saw his remains being sealed off in the niche.

and now, after blogging all of this I am beginning to wonder if I will dream of him again tonight!