I'm a selfish person.

just like the blind can't lead the blind, an unhappy person can't make someone else happy. you make people happy not by doing things, but by first being happy, and then teaching them your secret, either by example or by word.

hence, focus on your own happiness. be selfish about your happiness. because the responsiibility for your happiness lies on you and you alone.

conversely, doing something just because it will make someone else happy, will make you unhappy. and the other person may learn to rely on you or other people for their happiness. and this situation makes nobody happy.

so pursue your own happiness relentlessly. nobody will even realize you're being selfish about it, unless you tell them. and when you find your happiness, you'll find your work is pretty much done.

happy eather

so, it's easter evening. my hangover has subsided, and i'm now ready for a round of visiting relatives and some more merrymaking. yeah, i know, i didn't really have an excuse for all the frivolities of last night, considering i didn't fast, sacrifice, or do any sort of penance this lent. heck, i bunked confession, even.

sounds like this is everything easter isn't supposed to be, right? there was a time when it felt like that to me too.

but not any more.

what is easter? it's a celebration.

it's a celebration of hope. of salvation. of having a singular purpose to our lives, however wayward our means may be. it's the spirit of christianity. to me, the rules, the norms, are all secondary.

eat and drink your fill. be merry. but do not forget that christ is risen, and we will rise too. all we need to do is the work of god.

happy easter!

um...and pass the easter eggs, please? :P

rape me

disclaimer: this post is not intended to offend. just an insight.

a while ago, a female friend told me about how she was having issues with this friend who uses the word "rape" very casually in conversation. i didn't comment back then, but somehow, my initial reaction was that she was being overly-sensitive. after all, in today's lingo, curse-words aren't really meant to be taken literally, and quite a few abuses that nobody seems to take undue offense to would have been extremely offensive if they were.

which got me thinking aloud on twitter:

i'm afraid to use the word "rape" in female company for fear of causing an outrage. this is not good.

guess my thoughts at that point were focused on two philosophies of cursing (yesh, i do have such philosophies):

1. anything not directed at a person isn't offensive


2. once something is designated a curse-word, it is not to be taken literally, unless there is no other plausible meaning

thankfully, a friend reacted to my tweet with something that got me thinking:

• the word "rape" is not a curse-word


• rape implies violent damaging sexual abuse. and i'm ashamed to say, with the exception of the sexual part, my usage of the word does imply the other three. so maybe i'm not sticking to principle #2 myself

conclusion: "rape" is not a curse word. and i will never use it as one. i hope you're convinced too.

music: it's all around us

halfway through my shower, I realized the water on this mug was vibrating to the beats of the music! not just the music...only the beats!

ps: re the previous post, option 2 it is!!! photos whenever possible, and maybe also option 1, "the week in photos" every sunday :)

direction

the blog goes where it wants to. but sometimes, it needs a few twists and turns.

I have a few ideas.

1: my social life (photos + story once a week)

2: arbit photos (I click a lot of them, some funny, some weird, some...mundane)

3 regular blog posts, with unrelated but awesome photos :D

4: no change, the same boring stories, an occasional photo of my shiny head...you know the drill!

your choice. 1 to 4. I save comments.

the wrong kind of sleep

I've not been sleeping well lately. somehow, I get a fresh burst of energy at 1am, and then even counting sheep keeps me awake.

I was in office till midnight, last night. also, there was this strange feeling of weakness (I was actually feeling cold in my office parking lot...at the peak of summer!). so when I got home, ate two quickly made chicken frankies (thanks, mom!), and crashed into bed, I was relieved. sleep at 1am, after weeks!

unfortunately, I had dozed off in the parents' bed (bro was doing stuff that needed the lights on in our room).

I slept like a log for an hour, until it was finally time for the parents to sleep. dad tried waking me up as gently as possible, but the moment I opened my eyes I jumped up with a start.

I'm not sure why, but something felt wrong. something felt very alien.

I exclaimed: what is this? how did this happen? this is the wrong kind of sleep!

I can't explain what I felt, but it was this weird feeling. like all my senses were connected. like the world tasted metallic, despite there being nothing in my mouth.

it felt like the wrong kind of sleep.

anyway, today morning I had a weird dream. forgot most of it, but I remember it involved going to this gym which was big enough for only 1 person, and where all the exercises were to be done sitting down.

also, my personal instructor complained that I have bad breath.

the triumph of murphy

disclaimer: extremely long sob story to follow. read only if you want to make yourself feel better about your own day. no sympathy will be accepted.

ever since the accident last month, which happened for absolutely no fault of mine, my life's been a little more painful than before.

there's the fact that i lost my backup phone, and was down to using other peoples' phones until i brought one for myself.

there's the thing about not having a bike, which makes getting everywhere more painful, time-consuming, expensive and...i guess painful is the word.

there's my leg, which wasn't so badly affected that i couldn't walk or anything, but is pretty bad anyway. over a month later, it's still painful to climb steps with it, i can't take a couple of quick paces even if i really have to, and i get cramps and stiffness when i sit or even sleep.

as a result, every single working day is a battle for me. i struggle to wake up because i have problems falling asleep thanks to my leg. it's always been hard to get rickshaws, but now it's even worse because i can't run towards or behind them.

rickshaws take twice the amount of time to get me to work than my bike used to. and my one way ric fare is close to a week's petrol money.

i wait in office till 8:30, because it's pointless taking a rickshaw at 8, to sit breathing fumes, caught in a traffic jam, paying by the minute. the airconditioned office drop is better, even if it means trying to work for half-an-hour when i'm already well past my saturation point. and then roaming all around the place to drop individual people, sometimes covering 1.5 times my normal way home, and taking close to 3 times my bike time.

as a result, i'm never home before 9:30pm. which means the only time i can meet my mechanic and make any progress towards getting my bike done is on saturdays.

anyway, i've been pulling through for 5 weeks in this fashion, when today happened.

the story begins with yesterday, actually. i was supposed to meet my mechanic in the evening, approve of all the parts he had purchased, and give him the go-ahead to start repairs.

unfortunately, i also had a meeting scheduled from 7pm-8pm.

when i called my mechanic, he informed me that he didn't get the chance to purchase the parts, so i should come over tomorrow (i.e. today).

great.

except that come 7pm, i got a mail saying that the meeting is can't happen as one of the important attendees didn't realize there was a conflict on his schedule.

struggled to get through the day, got home via the drop.

woke up today morning, late as usual, and then discovered that my stomach isn't in the best of condition. so i couldn't eat the chicken curry that mom had packed for lunch. left it at home. since my lunch is pretty much the reason i carry my bag to work, i decided to leave it at home.

stepped out in the blazing heat, and started my daily search for a rickshaw. except that this time, it took me 20 minutes, covering the road around my block twice, and and atleast 5 refusals before i got one.

reached work late. barely 5 minutes before my first meeting. trudged through the day.

at around 5:45, i realized i had to meet my mechanic today. and also had the meeting at 7.

i called the mechanic. he hadn't brought all the parts yet, but would go to the dealer at 7, so should be back by 7:45 or so. he asked me to meet him then.

alright. so i had to leave at 6, to make it home before my meeting began, and after the meeting, rush to meet the mechanic (he closes shortly after 8). and then possibly finish some work from home.

got out at 6pm sharp. there were no rickshaws outside. i didn't realize the car parked opposite, that was just about to start moving, was the office shuttle to link road.

at 6:05, the shuttle and the extended shuttle were back at the gate. i asked the extended shuttle if it went to link road. and then was informed that that was the car, waiting on he other side of the road. and it leaves every 10 minutes, so i had just missed the 6pm one.

so i sit inside, wait for it to start moving at 6:10, and finally it takes me all around and drops me at inorbit, despite me being the only person in the shuttle. whatever.

inorbit signal. no empty rickshaws at all. but the road ahead seems reasonably clear, unlike at 8pm when it's pretty much gridlocked.

and then i see a bus waiting at the other side of the road, for the signal to change.

i limped across as quick as i could, and got in. it was a route number i recognized, so i was pretty sure it would go near home.

asked inside, and it did indeed go near home, but not very near.

that's when i realized there was another bus behind it, and that one definitely passed near home, as i recall seeing it when i was still biking around.

got in. the bus was packed. found a spot to stand somehow. the bus started moving.

it moved pretty quick, i must say. barely any traffic.

10 minutes later, i got a window seat.

i thanked my stars.

25 minutes later, i was almost home. happy. this is less time than the ric would take on a usual day at my usual time.

the bus then turned off link road, about a 10 minute walk away from home.

and proceeded to go in the exact opposite direction, but from an inside road.

it spent 20 minutes wandering around borivli, until it eventually got to another point around 10 minutes from home. that's where i had to get off.

this stop is the same place where buses that go directly to my home stop. so i decided to wait for a bus instead of walk.

5 minutes later, when i was getting restless and about to reconsider my decision, i saw a bus.

it was jam packed. i couldn't even get an arm in.

i gave up and decided to start walking.

2 minutes later, another bus passed me. empty.

i couldn't run for it, so i just kept walking.

finally reached home. 20 minutes late for my meeting.

rang the doorbell. no response.

rang the doorbell repeatedly. no response.

my parents had gone out.

they weren't expecting me home so early.

they also usually don't think about where i am and when i'll get home, as my house keys are usually in my pocket.

except that today, they were in my bag.

they reached back just as the meeting was probably got over.

i got home, logged in. meeting over.

called my mechanic.

his phone has been switched off.

i have nothing left to say, or think.

i don't even know why i try to continue.